we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize