Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
