Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
