I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
