i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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