i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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