he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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