did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
