you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
