Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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