Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
