Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
