she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
