My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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