Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
