who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
