Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
