I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
