I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
