When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
