Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
