Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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