I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
