Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
