toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
