I heard we made out
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
