You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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