she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
