Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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