nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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