Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
