It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
