My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
