The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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