Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
