My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
