Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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