sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Randomize
