I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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