He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
