I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
