I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
