I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
