Im at strip club and am horny
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
