im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
