sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
