he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
