have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
