If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
