Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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