I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
