My first STD was from a foam party
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
