i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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