Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
