his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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